breadnbutterflies said on November 3, 2009

Life is so raw. It is a little sad, but the reality of it all just hit me. I've been sober six months now, and I have a lot to show for it, but at the same time, I feel like I have so much more to learn. It has come to my attention lately that I could go back, I could be that person I was, and it scares me shitless. Why? Because sometimes I seriously just want to let her reign. My other me was everything you hate, I lied till my tongue was tired, I stole from everyone I love, and I crossed the lines of manipulation further than anyone should go. At the same time, I got the job done, I didn't have to feel anything anymore, my other self took care of that. Comfortably Numb was basically my theme song.
I don't know why I am stating all of this, but I thought maybe putting it down on some form of paper would keep me from insanity. I love my other side more than I care to admit, but hate her even more. I supposed the fact still remains that it's me, every trait is still me. It wasn't someone else who stole those credit cards for her fix, it was me. It was me that spoke every lie that broke my family, and it was me that was tied to the monitors with my mother weeping in the chair beside me. I can't forget who I was, because I know repeating those mistakes would be all too easy.
I never blog, but tonight has been a little hard, and I don't want to call or wake up anyone to tell them how I feel. So I figured doing this makes me somewhat accountable. I feel like getting fucked up, so fucked up I forget my own name, and that's the truth.